Pissing contest

Creed: I have had to pee SO much today... ... ...sorry, TMI.

Melon: I need to bring in my new hydration system.*

Creed: Yeah, so, in the bathroom, I was thinking, "Operation Hydration" has turned into, "Operation Bladder Evacuation".

Melon: HAAAAAAAAAAAA

Creed: ....you're welcome.

Melon: HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA** Send that to Chupon. I'm sure you'll star in his next Shark blog.

Creed: You HAVE to tell him. Fingers crossed!***

*It's a carafe with a small cup for a lid. But, sure, "system."
** It's never too late in life to enjoy pee jokes.
*** Your resume was sloppy but your audition was decent. You're welcome.

How to make efficient use of space

So I ordered two 10-foot USB extension cables from Amazon. They came in what appears to be... well... shit, just look.

At first it looks reasonable... but...

  Um, ok. Well maybe there's a lot of stuff inside those two smaller boxes which are also super fragile.

Uh. No. Just a fucking cord.

Which fits handily in this Ziplog bag, and totally could have been wound up this narrow for shipping purposes. THIS THING COULD FIT IN A SUNGLASSES CASE. Jeff Bezos, America's trees salute you.

A rose by any other name is just as mutated

Creed: ...so that mosquito bite, ugh. That is Disgusting Land.

Melon: Yeah, you're telling me. I have this horrible thought that it's not even a mosquito bite. Maybe it's some like, mutant bug hatchling thing growing in my face.

Creed: ...the thought had crossed my mind.

Me: What are you going to name it? I like "Percival." Maybe "Cyril" or "Forsythe."

Melon: Uh. Thanks. ...maybe "Peter."

Me: Ick! ...how about "Chad?" "Aloysius?"

Melon: "Henry?"

Me: "Agamemnon."

Melon: You play too many of those videogames.

Me: "Bruce."

Melon: Oh I like "Bruce."

Me: "Deepak."

Later

Me: So I was telling Melon to name the hatchling "Deepak." She was thinking more along the lines of "Peter."

Bottomless: Well, "Peter" would probably make it easier for it to fit in.

Me: Fitting in, whatever. If all the other mutant hatchlings jumped off a bridge, should hers jump too?

Meanwhile

Creed: "Bruce" would totally be a gay alien hatchling. A galien, if you will.

Melon: Then he'd totally match my pink pashmina.

Prime Rib Au Jus Weakens The Mind

Melon: Did you turn off the GPS on my phone?

Me: Yup. For future reference it's that widget all the way on the left home screen; it's the third button, the one that looks like an antenna or satellite thingy with signals coming out of it.

Melon: Oh... ok. (Points to the first of five buttons) Is it this one?

Me: Nope, it's the third one.

Melon: ...wait this one? (Points to the second of five buttons)

Me: Nope, it's the third one.

Melon: ...this one? (Points to the third of five buttons)

Me: Yup, that would be the third one.

Melon: But the first one also looks like a satellite thingy with signals coming out of it!!!!!

Me: Yup, that's why I said the third one.